How I Learned to Flirt

Plus How to Feel Less Exhaustion and More Joy

It is an old trope that women start to feel as though we are invisible in midlife.  That may be because with the pressures of career, motherhood, elder-care, domestic labor and generally “having it all,” we rarely stand still long enough to be objectified.  We spin all the plates and herd all the cats while others step aside and let us prove how great we are at multitasking.  We become our service, and our life force is siphoned off into everything but our own desires.

Episode 78:  How I Learned to Flirt (or The Power of Invisibility)

According to the lore, because we’re at the tail end of fertility, our hair is graying, our skin is sagging and we’ve got whiskers on our double chins (check!) - we’re dried out, washed up, over and done for.  We’re unf*ckable and ready to be put out to the pasture of cultural irrelevance, doomed, once our work is done, to eternal book clubs and museum docentry.

But despite the persistent narrative that we’re invisible, more and more of the women over 40 I see with my own eyes are gorgeous, stylish, healthy, cool, vibrant, fit, peaceful, motivated, confident, prosperous, sexy, and on top of their professional game.  We are more fired up than ever, more ready to change the world and chart our own course and there are very few dumpy Eileen Fisher smocks to be found (sorry, Eileen - your sandals are actually fire).

So let’s turn this myth on its head:  Invisibility is probably the second most sought after superpower, after flight.  And invisibility enables a spirit of “f*ck it” - if no one can see you, or the culture has you hidden away in a red hat on a metaphorical AARP tour somewhere, you are FREE.  You can do whatever you want, however you want, with whomever you want.  You can set your own priorities and please yourself first.  Now you’re speaking my language.

For me, the power of “invisibility” has inspired a kind of flirty self-assurance:  I walk around like a taxicab with its light on.  I don’t dim my shine.  I’m ok with being extra.  I wear leopard print.  I sing in the grocery store and I know I’m living my best life if I manage to scandalize my teenage children with my “cringe” self-expression. 

If I’m invisible, I’m free to chat up strangers and make Trader Joe’s check-out guys blush with my compliments. I magnetize all kinds of younger men to my online dating profile (it’s flattering, but they’re *so* exhausting to deal with), and hot dads and grandads from school plays to Target runs turn their heads when I walk into the room.  If that’s invisibility, bring on the Wonder Woman jet.

You might feel invisible if you adhere to the sexist, ageist narrative of the dominant culture.  But if you tune in to YOU and remember to turn on your light before you leave the house, you may be surprised by who actually sees you and how the world flirts right back.

Like the hilarious and compassionate bestie you didn’t know you needed, Victoria Albina - family nurse practitioner, breathwork meditation guide and host of the Feminist Wellness Podcast - is here to soothe you and teach you how to have your own back (and stomach, and nervous system).

Episode 79 - How to Feel Less Exhaustion and More Joy with Victoria Albina 

A fellow Oberlin College alum, Victoria’s work is rooted in science, and is an antidote to the platitude-laden “wellness” culture that follows us everywhere on Instagram and across social media.  Victoria talks about how all our codependency, perfectionism, and people pleasing has a biological toll and leaves us exhausted and spent.  She describes good and bad examples of nervous system dysregulation:  if there’s a bear approaching, it’s helpful that your nervous system sends up flares.  But if it lights up over an awkward conversation in the Starbucks line, that’s something to learn to take down a notch with somatic tools.

We dig into the definition of Intersectional Feminism, crack wise, and preach the gospel of self-love in this fun and healing episode.

Want advice about some aspect of your life over 40?  We want your questions!

DM us on IG  @hotterthaneverpod or text/leave a voicemail on the Hotter Than Ever Hottie Hotline at (323) 844-2303 and your question could end up on the show!​

Thank you for reading my Substack newsletter! XO Erin